Things I Love: NPR

I love NPR. It's the only radio I listen to, period.

And as much as I'd love to launch into a polemic about my love for NPR, it would probably kill you with vicious, brutal dullness. Everyone knows why people love NPR -- you hear the reasons about a hundred times each pledge drive. They give the context and analysis of news stories, they don't have ads, they don't insult your intelligence, etc.

I suppose I could add a few more things to like that you don't hear that often. Like the fact that they don't have a Morning Zoo program. Their version of a Morning Zoo program is 130-year-old Carl Castle calmly reading the news. Occasionally they throw in a BOIIINNNGGG! sound effect, but that's usually only after Carl mentions the secret phrase, "Rwandan genocide."

And then there's the fact that none of the correspondents are ever allowed to have ordinary names. Lakshmi Singh, Corey Flintoff, Ina Jaffe ... there's no end of cool names to be had.

My new favorite is the foreign correspondent in Dakar, Ofeiba Quist-Arcton. The best part is that after she says her bang-up name she always says "Dakar" in a cool way, like "Dakaaaahhh!!" It sounds like a Klingon woman trying to be saucy. And it's said so confidently -- she really ought to throw in a "yeah, muthafucka!" after it.

Granted, it's usually a bit of a tone shift given the nature of what she's always reporting on. It's always like "... and now Guinea has exploded into ultraviolence, with everyone dead and the undead continuing to kill the recently dead with the limbs of the superdead. One of history's great civilizations has just collapsed because their ruler wanted more money to buy fancy cars. Truly, this is the saddest moment in the history of civilization. I don't think this reporter will ever recover from devastation and horror that has been seared into her soul. Sigh. Ofeiba Quist-Arcton, DakAAAAH, MUTHAFUCKAAAA!!!!"

But back to the point, which is funny names ... even NPR's go-to commentators about certain issues have to have funny names. Whenever there's a story about gas prices, they go to Trilby Lundberg. You'd think a Trilby Lundberg would be an adorable, small, furry, Jewish alien who's a friend to children everywhere, but no, it's a person who's an expert on oil and gas. And the fact that she's in the field of oil and gas -- I'm willing to bet that's that's a field full of guys with names like Mack Brown and Colton J. Stetson and T. Boone Pickens. I'll bet they had to really search for a Trilby Lundberg in that bunch.

Sometimes, it must be said, NPR goes too far. Occasionally I'm happily listening to some wonderfully dull report about the economy, minding my own business, and then I'm struck in the temple with "Let's go to Hugh Johnson ..." What? Are you fucking kidding me? Hugh Johnson? Is Ben Dover also in the studio? Where's Mike Hunt?

It's not only a very stupid joke name, but it also puts me in mind of those "Big Johnson" T-shirts people wore in the 90s that had cartoons of a little nerdy dude doing something suggestive with big-breasted bimbos. I don't need to be reminded of that, NPR. If I wanted to be reminded of "Big Johnson" T-shirts, I'd listen to the Morning Zoo on KROCK. I'm sure those guys are still wearing those T-shirts and laugh at them often. Thus I listen to NPR.