Thursday, January 22, 2009

Movie I Hate Without Having Seen

Doesn't "Revolutionary Road" look absolutely dreadful? I'm usually a sucker for the Oscar-bait films -- I've already seen "Benjamin Button," "Doubt," "Slumdog Millionaire," etc. -- but from the ads, "Revolutionary Road" looks so painfully simple-minded and self-important that I want to kill someone, preferably Sam Mendes, the director. He also directed "American Beauty," which after I saw it the first time, I thought "Hey, that was kinda fun," and then after I saw it the second time I thought "What a load of crap!" It, and apparently "Revolutionary Road" even more so, has nothing at the core but the simple equation of "suburbs = terrible, life-stifling pressure cooker where people pretend they're all identical and happy but actually they have these BIG, DEEEP DARK secrets" ... Oh my gosh, really? You mean "Leave it to Beaver" wasn't documantary footage, Sam Mendes?

Sam Mendes: It's true. "Leave it to Beaver" was a sham! Some people in the suburbs have secrets. Some are even gay!

Me Secretly Mocking Sam Mendes Without Him Realizing It: Say it ain't so, Flo! It's only been about 30 years since anyone tried to maintain the illusion that the suburbs represent a simple utopia ... but yet your trenchant, earth-shattering insights are just coming out now? How is that possible?

Sam Mendes: Well, everyone is stupid except me. Every American, anyway. I'm British, and have never lived in American suburbs, but I don't need to, because I have a depth of understanding that no other human being can truly fathom.

Me Secretly Mocking Sam Mendes Without Him Realizing It: Well, what about all those people who simply want a quiet, safe place to raise their kids that's not too expensive and near a major metropolitan area? What can we possibly do to save them from the death sentence to the soul that is the suburbs?

Sam Mendes: Have them watch my films. My films rip the cover off of their delusions and expose them to the true nature of art, and beauty, and life, and feeling -- all things that can not exist for you at all if you live in the suburbs. Or if you have kids.

Me Secretly Mocking Sam Mendes Without Him Realizing It: So all people should follow their hearts and go to Paris and take absinthe and fuck poets? That sounds like a wonderful solution for all our societal problems! Thank you for saving humanity, Sam Mendes!

Sam Mendes: It is all in a day's work for a brilliant iconoclast like myself.

And scene. Conclusion: "Revolutionary Road" sucks. And I haven't even seen it! That's efficiency.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Is this interesting?

I think there's some kind of battle royale with cheese going on between Progresso and Campbell's, a la Coke vs. Pepsi. I read about full-page ads in the New York Times where Progresso said Campbell's has 300,000 soup varieties that are nothing but sodium. And I just saw a TV ad for Campbell's that was basically saying "Fuck Progresso. They want your tongue to shrivel up from all the sodium in their soups. Their soups make your ass bleed sodium. Then they take the ass-bled sodium and call it 'Zesty Tomato.' Seriously. I heard about a guy who worked as a Zesty Tomato ass-sodium/blood pumped-outer at the Progresso compound in Dachau. He went to high school with my cousin, I swear."

I'm always fascinated by these kinds of product rivalries, and always assume they arouse great passions among the people involved, and meanwhile the rest of us really don't notice or care. I think there are people at Campbell's who hate Progresso with all of their hearts and souls. Late at night, they sit in their offices on the 75th floor of the Massive Building overlooking Times Square, glasses of scotch in their hands, hair tousled, eyes low and dark, muttering, "Progresso ... oh, Progresso, you will pay. You have more sodium in your Chicken Stars than has ever been in ours, and you know it. I will rip the cover off your facade and expose your true face to the teeming masses ... or something along those lines ... so help me God!" And then thunder lights the sky as they thrust their arms into the air and laugh maniacally.

Or maybe it's just a committee of gray-suited people in a white, flourescent-lit windowless room, saying "According to this chart, Progresso has disparaged the sodium content of our soups.  According to this next graph, we can now make ads disparaging their sodium content. According to this graph, this decision has now been made. And according to this graph, this meeting is adjourned and we must all now go to Chili's and eat small taco-shaped objects covered with ranch dressing and barbeque ribs." Then there is two seconds of staccato applause.  

But I don't like to think that. I like to think that there a lot of people expending a lot of energy and time -- and indeed, their whole lives -- into things like proving that Progresso actually has more sodium in their soups than Campbell's. Meanwhile, the rest of us are completely unaffected and often don't even hear about it. We just buy whatever seems cheapest. It's beautiful somehow -- we're such an affluent society that we can subsidize tremendous dramas that seem terribly momentous to some people but actually have no affect on anything, ever. I love it. 

OK, this is better

I'm making a list of sports-arena anthems made by gay men. Here's what I have so far:

"We Will Rock You": Queen
"YMCA": The Village People
"That One Song That Goes Oooh-Ooh, Hey! Ba Baa Ba-Ba, Oooh-Ooh, Hey!": Gary Glitter
"Cat Scratch Fever": Ted Nugent (Ohmigod, you didn't know he was gay? What?!?!? Nuge is the gayest gay who ever gayed!)

That's all I've got so far. I wonder if I'm a bit fascinated by gay men. I think I'm more fascinated with people's fascination with gay men, you know? Like, why does anyone give a shit whether gay men get married or not? How does that effect me, or indeed how does it affect anyone who's not gay? 

I think that the whole opposition to gay marriage is just about heterosexuals who don't get out much suddenly hearing that gay people want to get married and then going "Ew! Gross!" And then they never really move beyond that. They never really get to the next stage, which is "Wait, uh, who cares?" Instead, they stay stuck at the "Ew" stage, and then make up justifications for this feeling, like "it violates the sanctity of marriage," or "God no likey" or "if you make gayness acceptable, then everyone will become gay, and no one will want to be construction workers except in a sexy way, and the homebuilding industry will tank because all construction workers will be too busy having sex and will never get any work done." But you know, considering the state of housing nowadays, it would really help a lot if all those construction workers went gay and got into interior design instead. We've already got too many houses. And come to think of it, we have too many people too. If there were more gays, there would be fewer babies, and maybe we'd get the human population to a more sustainable level.  

So that's why I'm in favor of gay marriage. In fact, everyone should have to get gay married. The future of our planet depends on it. The end. 

People I Don't Like, Part a Million: Guy Fieri

Ever seen this guy? I hate him. He's so unbelievably Los Angeles-y that it makes my eyes bleed. The stupid bleached hair, the terrible wisp of a beard, the ridiculous pseudo-slickster shirts ... ick. And he's apparently supposed to be a great chef or something -- what self-respecting chef would do ads for TGI Friday's? And moreover, how do you sell out when you have nothing to sell in the first place? 

And then there's the fact that the TGI Friday's ads try to call him a "food dude" -- no. No, and again, no. Look, foodies aren't macho, and never will be. And never should be. Sous chefs will never call each other "bro," and that's a good thing. It kind of reminds me of a show on HGTV that was a pathetic attempt at getting some male viewers -- these two chunkheads would make an end table or something, but halfway through they'd stop and be like, "hey, man, let's shoot some hoops!" And then they'd actually start shooting hoops as part of the show. Then they'd do a big chest bump and chug a beer and scream "HGTV! Woo!" into the camera. Then they'd start making out. And you were sitting there, thinking "What the hell happened to the end table?" 

But HGTV finally cut that show and now is devoted entirely to gay men and the women who love them, and that's how it should be. ESPN doesn't try to bring in female viewers by broadcasting scrapbooking parties. HGTV should stick to their demos.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Guy Fieri. I think that's all I have to say about him. Hm. This wasn't as rich of a vein as I thought it was when I sat down. And this is the best I can muster after two weeks of inactivity. Pathetic. Maybe some other folks should join in here. How about it, two readers? Any interest in contributing your own posts? Seriously, why not?