Punch-Up of "The Phantom Menace"

OK, this will interest no one but me, but I wrote it in an email to my brother-in-law and liked it so much I had to save it. It's extremely topical -- a rewrite of a movie from 11 years ago that probably everyone has already rewritten. Enjoy, or don't, whatever.

OK, I was asked by George Lucas to punch up his new script for his upcoming film "The Phantom Menace." I unfortunately am not allowed to take the entire script, shred it, shit on it, and flush it down the toilet. So I have to work with what we have, and satisfy all of George's whims, while still making it tighter and more sensical. Here goes:

1. Change the Trade Federation to just some warlike planet who has a big, centuries-old beef with Naboo. Let's call them the Klingons, and make them way more bad-ass than the pathetic fishy Asian stereotypes that the whatever-the-fucks are. This would be a lot simpler and give a lot more comprehensible motivation. The Klingons just really hate Naboo, a la Palestinians and Israelis, and want to choke them out and then take over their planet. So they still have that stupid blockade, and have for a really long time now. The Galactic Senate is still powerless to do anything about it, but they still try by sending in some Jedis to talk. Darth Sidious is still pulling the strings, but he's doing so by promising the Klingons this massive droid army. By themselves, see, the Klingons could take over Naboo, but they could not then defend themselves against the inevitable Jedi intervention that would result. The droid army would enable them to go against the entire galaxy.

2. So the Jedi come in to talk and all that, and Darth Sidious still says to kill them. The Klingons are a bit freaked at this, but Sidious says that if they don't, no droid army. And no more support in the Senate (Sidious is the one causing the gridlock that allows the Klingons to keep doing their thing). So the Klingons (not the droid army -- they're promised but not delivered yet) try to kill the Jedi, but fail of course. Sidious knows that they will fail, but that's part of his secret plan. He wants the Jedi to go to the planet and smuggle Amidala out to the Senate.

3. Also, the droid army will need to be about a million times more bad-ass. That seems self-explanatory. But we haven't seen them yet. That's what we in the business call "suspense."

4. So now that they've tried to kill Jedis and failed, the Klingons know they've just thrown down the gauntlet. Time to act. They're excited. They send a Klingon army, no droids yet, down to the surface to conquer Naboo. It's not a massive contingent of Klingons, but it's enough to overwhelm the peace-loving pussy artistes that populate the idyllic Mediterreanean castles of the Naboo. The Jedi still sneak down with the Klingons. They don't come to warn the Naboo of the impending invasion, because as they show up, the Klingon army also shows up (which would of course make a lot more sense, as the reviewer pointed out (Ed. note: "The reviewer" is this guy, who incisively points out a lot of flaws in the movie)). The Jedi actually come to sneak in to the newly occupied city and sneak Amidala out, so they can all make a personal plea to the Senate to fucking do something. This would also cut out all the pointless jibber jabber among Amidala and her council of weiners. No debate needed -- come in, steal Amidala, leave.

5. George has told me that we still have to meet the Gungans somehow, because he is convinced that Jar Jar Binks will be the most beloved movie character of the generation. So fine. After we sneak Amidala out, we go through the planet's core, with all the fish eating each other and other shit that gives George a big boner, and we find the Gungans. If we need Jar Jar earlier, say he's the Gungan ambassador to Naboo, and so he obviously was with the Naboobies and will join them to meet the Gungans. The Jedi ask for the Gungans' help in getting off the planet, in getting through the blockade. It so happens that the Gungans have a peace treaty with the Klingons, because they don't want to be choked to death and don't have any beef with them. Maybe the Klingons force them to pay a heavy fee to not be blockaded also. But when the Gungans see the Jedi, they are convinced to switch sides and stow away Amidala, a few handmaidens, and the Jedi (for a large fee from Coruscant, and also the promise, they figure, of getting out from under Klingon fees). Maybe they also succumb to some Jedi mind trickery. Jar Jar Binks, the most beloved movie character of the generation, is the pilot of the ramshackle ship that the Gungans decide to pilot through the blockade.

6. With the dashing, courageous Jar Jar behind the helm, they are able to sneak the group through the blockade. There is no opportunity to have R2 do his heroism schtick on the wing of the ship. Sorry George, you'll have to bend on this one. Maybe you can add some tension by having them be boarded by the Klingons under suspicion of having stowaways. But the Jedis are able to save the day from their hiding places, by using the force to give the Klingons mystical hand jobs. They're all satisfied and say to hell with it and leave.

7. On the way to Coruscant, Obi-Wan receives a strong premonition, that there is someone on Tatooine with extreme Jedi powers. Being a young and brash warrior instead of a dull, ineffectual puss like he is in the current script, Obi-Wan is convinced that we need to follow up on it, to bring this person to Coruscant with them. Much argument ensues, between him and the old, wise, and more tempered Fucknut McGee (that's Qui-Gonn's new name, forgot to mention that, sorry), and between Obi-Wan and Amidala. They're all like, hey, planet occupied here! But Jedis are known for their strong premonitions, and Fucknut agrees that he has felt it too. Amidala says fine, let's get this person. But be quick about it.

8. So they do. They go to the place where they feel an unusual amount of Force activity, more than they ever have before. It's Watto's place. He is less of an offensive Jewish stereotype. Both Fucknut and Obi-Wan are there, because it doesn't make any sense to leave Obi-Wan at the ship (and because Obi-Wan is the true protagonist, and really should be in about every scene). Amidala insists on sending one of her handmaidens to make sure this happens quickly, and ... I don't know why Jar-Jar has to go. Someone else figure that out.

9. So they want to buy the slave that's giving them Force erections. They try to pretend they just need any old slave, but Watto figures out that they're Jedi, who are morally against slaves, and realizes that this kid must be really valuable if the Jedi are bothering with him. So he says oh, his price just went up to a jillion gabillion dollars. They offer all the cash they have on them, but Watto says no, gotta get more. They say they can come back with millions after they get back to Coruscant, but Watto says get the fuck out of my store.

10. So how can they get more cash? Hey look, there's a talent show going on tonight! With a 10,000-credit grand prize! If we win that, we'd have the money we need to get to Hollywood! No, they actually figure that Anakin can win the stupid pod race thing that makes George cum in his pants. The rule on the planet is that slaves get their winnings from such races, as long as they pay the large entry fee (which the Jedis are able to supply). And if Anakin wins, that will give them enough cash. If Anakin loses, Watto gets all ther money, their ship, everything. Simple.

11. There are no Mitochlorians. That is a moronic idea. The Force is supposed to be a spiritual thing, and reducing it to magical paramecia ruins it. And is unnecessary. The Jedi feel it real hard, and that's plenty. That's what Jedis do.

12. And there's no fucking virgin birth. There is no mention of the father -- that's all a mystery.

13. And make Anakin older. Maybe 12 or older. There's no earthly reason to make him so young and annoying.

14. And you can still say that Anakin's making C-3PO, if you really need to. But not to help his mother, who would have no need for a protocol droid, as the reviewer points out. Anakin's just making him for shits and giggles. Maybe it's the easiest kind of droid to make. It's not terribly important I suppose.

15. I know -- if you need R2 heroism, you can have him fixing some crucial part of the pod just in time for the race. That makes more sense than dragging him along to a planet to help pick up a kid. Maybe he just showed up as a pit droid who is owned by the pod race track, and figured out how to fix Anakin's pod, and then later they bought him with the winnings.

16. So why can't the mother go with them off Tatooine? Because she would be boring, basically. Maybe she's caring for an elder relative. Maybe Watto refuses to let her go, only the boy. Maybe Watto's boning her. Whatever. Regardless, when Jedis come to your house and say your kid is the most awesomest Jedi prodigy ever, you let him go. And there's no need to have their heads explode if the leave Watto's house. The Jedis wouldn't steal them anyway, because they have morals.

17. This is taking longer than I thought. I'm going to see it through though. So you still have the scene where Amidala pleads in the Senate for a solution, and Chancellor Valorum is still weak and influenced by special interests (which are secretly controlled by Palpatine, but no reason to belabor that), and Amidala registers a vote of no confidence, paving the way for Palpatine. The only good simplication I can think of here would be to say that Palpatine is the vice-Chancellor, so he takes over automatically after the vote. You could then cut out the talky scene with Palpatine and Amidala. They just go to the Senate floor, have this conversation, and that's it. Done.

18. The Jedi Council meets the boy, and says, yeah, he gots Force up the ass, no doubt. But too much. So much it would tip the scales. Fucknut is kinda like, yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but Obi-Wan, because he is headstrong and has a personality, insists. The council does not budge. Bring him back to Tatooine, they say. Bury him in a deep hole. And listen to your elders more, asshole.

19. Polyptaint, as the new Chancellor, immediately says, let's bring a solid group of Jedis to Naboo. Woo, says everyone. The Jedis bum-rush Naboo and take an immediate victory, liberating the Naboo from the Klingons.

20. The Klingons go to Sidious, furious. You promised us a victory! Sidious then brings in the promised droid army. Aw shit, it's on.

21. The Jedi see them coming and freak. They go again to the Gungans, and Jar Jar makes a convincing and dramatic speech about how wonderful his new friends are, and we have to be on the side of good and right, and a house divided against itself cannot stand, and I have seen the promised land but will not get there with you, and so forth. It's all very touching, and Jar Jar's incredible dignity and sense of noble purpose carries it through. The Gungans are convinced.

22. During all this, why is Anakin still there? Well, Amidala has had enough of the delays, and convinces them to drop him off later, after Naboo is re-liberated. This gives Amidala a little backbone, which will be nice.

23. The climax is still overcomplicated. But at least it makes a wee bit more sense. Instead of hiding in a cockpit (!), Anakin gets all full of himself and decides he has to fight, so he highjacks a ship of someone who was just shot down and destroys a bunch of the donut ships, including the one powering the droid army. He does it by skill, not falling ass-backwards into victory. Everyone is quite impressed. The not-huge contingent of Jedi and the Naboo and the Gungans, all together in a show of unity, were trying hard but just not able to cut through the millions of droids, until Anakin saves the day.

24. You still have Dath Maul cornering the two Jedi and going through an overly choreographed battle. There needs to be more motivation there though. Maybe Maul can make some statement about the Sith getting revenge and rising again, and that he will exterminate every Jedi until it happens? I don't know, I guess I didn't think this part needed as much fixing as the rest. I thought Darth Maul was the only good part of the whole movie -- no talking, just ass-kicking.

25. So after the victory, at the end, Obi-Wan goes back to Yoda. Yoda reconsiders. He says that the future is cloudy, and Anakin has undeniable skillz, as evidenced by his victory on Naboo -- OK, fine, we'll let him be a Jedi. But he will be your responsibility, Obi-Wan.

26. Ooh, new idea. Fucknut should be the young and brash one. Obi-Wan can be older and wiser, but still relenting and going along with Fucknut's plan to bring Anakin to Jedi school and all that. Switch the roles there. And Fucknut still gets killed by Darth Maul. And Obi-Wan can still pledge to take over Anakin's training if Fucknut dies. And he can go to Yoda at the end, newly convinced and changed (characters changing in a movie! Holy shit!). He has new faith in the Force after seeing what Anakin can do. Maybe before he was too analytical, not spirtual enough, and the young and brash Fucknut convinced him to go with the feeling more. Especially when he died. So then Anakin takes Fucknut's place as Obi-Wan's padowan. Of course later we learn that such faith is stupid, and analytical caution is better, but that's for a later movie.

What do you think? Still a turd, but at least a more polished one.