Traffic Circles, Specifically Boulder’s Traffic Circles
Traffic circles don’t belong in 4-way intersections. Stop signs do. Traffic circles are for the cowpath junctions in England and the Northeast where 7 streets all converge and no one can figure out who should have the right of way. In 4-way intersections, the result of the traffic circle is a bunch of cars on the bigger road careening around the circle to go straight through, a few cars ridiculously driving 3 times farther than they need to to make a left turn, and a few cars on the smaller road timidly waiting for all the cars on the big road to go through because they don’t feel like they are important enough to just barge right into the circle. This little scene is also often enhanced by some confused pedestrians (some call them “peds”) who don’t know whether the cars should be stopping in the middle of the circle for them or whether they should just be making mad dashes from sidewalk to sidewalk. And the cars don’t know either. The best anyone can do is to close their eyes, grip the wheel, put the pedal to the metal, and see what happens.
Incidentally, I was once called a “ped” by a traffic cop after a fireworks display. “OK, peds, you can cross!” I found it vaguely offensive.
The Word Finds in Variety Puzzle Books
I just can’t think of anything more boring.
Mom Bashing
The topic du jour for the sociology-major-turned-freelance-reporter is how frantic and whacked out American moms of young children are. I read a big long book about how American moms are trying to be too perfect, staying up until 2 a.m. after a long day at the office, baking gluten-free heart-shaped muffins for preschool, etc. Not long after that, someone posted on her Facebook page an article about how women who use pictures of their kids as their Facebook profile pictures have lost all sense of who they are as individuals. Both the book and the article had a derogatory, Betty-Fridan-would-be-turning-over-in-her-grave sort of tone. And I belong to an email group of about 1000 area moms who ask each other questions (“what’s the best diaper cream for a bad rash?”) and then post very preachy responses (“I would never, never, NEVER wipe chemicals on my baby’s butt! EVER!”) that usually involve some absurdly labor-intensive solution, like cooking up your own unpasteurized goat milk baby formula. These preachy moms themselves actually deserve a little bashing. What I really hate, though, is this unspoken agreement that American mothers are an easy and deserving target. That we’re never doing enough for our babies, but if we try to do enough for our babies, then we’ve become nurture zealots who really just need to chill out, but if we chill out too much, then someone ought to call Social Services because we clearly aren’t protecting our children enough and so on and so forth. I think this all started in the 90s with soccer moms. Anyway, I’d like to tell the Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, and whatnot that it’s time they find a new aspect of our social infrastructure to pick on. Leave moms alone. Except for those annoying ones who tell everyone to make their own raw goat milk formula. You can keep bashing them.
Software Updates
Seconds after installing new updates, I get messages saying there are even more updates to be installed. Let’s just give it a rest, Microsoft, OK? In fact, I don’t see why we ever need fancy new operating systems, either. I mean, yes, please fix bugs and problems and sure, why not throw in some useful new thing that no one ever thought to program in before, and yes, let’s make it faster, but is it really necessary to move the menus around, change the colors, and redraw all the icons? Is it really necessary to piss off all your users by making us relearn all the things we used to take for granted when using our computers? Why does computer stuff have to change so fast? I mean, there are other products that still work just fine that probably have never changed. Like clipboards. I bet clipboards made at the clipboard factory in 2009 look the same as and are as easy to use as the ones made in 1949. And Jiffy muffins. One look at a box of Jiffy muffins is enough to tell me they haven’t changed since 1930. And is anyone complaining?
(Speaking of Jiffy muffins, I just researched the history of the Jiffy muffin and find it fascinating. Of particular interest is the name of the president of the Jiffy muffin company, Howdy S. Holmes. I wish I had the guts to name my kid “Howdy.” I couldn’t think of a better name for a muffin company president.)
That’s enough stuff to hate for now. I’m sure there’s more. And I don't actually hate potpourri, by the way.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I hate all these things, including potpourri. Well, maybe I don't hate software updates that much, although I do feel that new operating systems should count as software updates so I wouldn't have to pay for them.
I never really thought about the Facebook thing (maybe partly because the men I know also put their kids up as their profile picture). It made me imagine my mom putting pictures of us up as her profile picture on Facebook. I would enjoy that.
About the facebook thing, that's exactly it - dads put their kids' pictures up, newlyweds put up wedding pictures, animal lovers put up pet pictures...the article was really irritating. Maybe I should amend my post to include that I hate that particular article. But of course, I wouldn't want a Things I Hate article to become petty...
There's this one street that I used to drive on every day to get to school that everyone would totally speed on. The businesses on the street got fed up with it, and so a couple of years ago they started putting in traffic circles to slow people down - and they haven't stopped building them yet. They went berserk. There's at least a half dozen of these things at succeeding 4-way intersections, and quite frankly it's ludicrous.
And I don't think very helpful to the businesses. Sure, people slow down, which theoretically gives you more time to notice the lamp store that you're driving by. But instead of thinking, "Hey, you know what? I could really use a new lamp. Thank goodness I noticed that lovely lamp store right here. Why don't I pull over and buy myself a lighting fixture or two?", what actually goes through your head is more like, "Stupid roundabout. Stupid roundabout. Stupid roundabout." Your new goal in life to escape the gravitational pull of all these little black holes, and you don't notice the lamp store.
And not only that, but let's say you're at home, looking up lamp stores. You see two of them listed in town. One of them's in Bird Rock (where the traffic circles are), and one's not. Of course you're going to choose the one that's not in Bird Rock, because you remember the gauntlet of the twelve roundabouts, get queasy, and vow never to return.
So, nice try, Bird Rock, but I'm still not shopping there.
Why do you hate potpourri? And why do you hate Bird Rock? And why do you hate moms? Granted, I skimmed all this, and assumed all the words that I read were things you hate, but still, I'm offended.
But as far as the actual things you hate, I'm with you. Especially on software updates. Maybe some people get really excited to discover that Microsoft Excel now has a fun new "ribbon" up top. The rest of us are just annoyed that we have to figure out where all the features we're used to have suddnely gone off to. Yes, make improvements, but make it in the structure we're used to. And for God's sake, don't make us pay for them. I have long said the updates are like going to the gas station and then having the dude there say "Oh, guess what? We have a new type of gas now. And you have to use it. But to use it, you have to get a new gas tank. And that will cost you a zillion dollars. Isn't this new gas so much better?" I don't give a shit, as long as my car runs!
Post a Comment