Blog Jazz

Skee bop doodle-e bop de bop ... hey, all you jazz fans out there, I'm going to try a little improv bloggin' right now ..,. straight from my brain to the screen, that's right ... Hey! I know I said I felt ambivalent about jazz before, but that was a crappy and confusing post anyway so hey! Hey! Let's groove, or something along those lines ... soooooo-be-deooo-beedle-e-bop .... Bottled water seems stupid, until you think that it's so much healthier than other things you could buy at a convenience store. And many of us are out on the town regularly, and we get thirsty, and hey! Water fountains are not that common, you know? And you can never get as much water from a water fountain as you really need, you dig me baby? No one can really drink even a full cup of water from a drinking fountain. It's got to be technically impossible. Hey, did you know if you drink a whole gallon of water real fast, you will die? It's true! Some people try to do it on a dare, and then they die! Skoo-bobble-ee-doo ... all this makes much more sense in my mind than it would to a reader, beacuse I have a tune going on in my head that you can't hear, but hey! Hey! I don't care, because I've had a few drinks tonight and spent the night playing Rock Band with my wife, which was quite fun ... my only objection to Rock Band is that you can hear the original singer of the song, and I wish it were more karaoke-style, where it's just your voice and nothing else ... uh ... hmmm ... that went nowhere! OK! Maybe there's a reason why people don't do this more often, but hey! Hey! I will keep on trucking until I get tired ... ska-ba-dee-ba-dalee-do ... hey! This reminds of King's Things -- did you ever see that column? I don't know if it's still in The USA Today, but it used to be, and it was the ne plus ultra of pseudo-journalistic laziness ... it was just random sentences that Larry King thought up. It went a little something ... like this: "Hey I think the Portland Trailblazers really have a good team this year. I like bacon but I don't like pork chops. This sweater is itchy. Menachem Begin has a great collection of hats." And it would just go on like that for about 500 words and then Larry would collect his million-dollar check. I like Larry King and all, but really, aren't there a lot of people who could do his job? I mean his real job, not King's Things. Aren't there plenty of people who can relentlessly ask dumb questions of someone for an hour based on zero preparation? I've met five-year-olds who do that freelance, and for longer than an hour. With some famous people I'm like, yeah, not many people can do that. I'm not a Mariah Carey fan, as I have expressed in the past, but hey, not many people can hold a note that only dogs can hear for four straight minutes. Larry King, though, I dont know ... I like bacon but I don't like pork chops -- that insight is really a real insight from my life. It's true. I swear! No really, it's true. I know, it's amazing, isn't it? Let me break it down for you: Pork chops are just bland pieces of gray, anonymous-seeming meat that you then have to dress up. Bacon, on the other hand, has a very special flavor all its own. But they're both from the same animal (donkey)! How can they taste so different? Maybe they should do the same things to pork chops that they do to bacon? What do you do, cure it or brine it or soak it in urine or something? Well, whatever it is, I say do it to everything. Because bacon is so wonderful, but it does have an Achilles heel: those strips of fat in it. If you order bacon really well done, those strips of fat are cooked enough so that you can eat them, no problem, but if not, then you're stuck eating rubbery strips of solid fat. That's just plain gross. If you could bacon-ize big slabs of solid meat, like the ones you find on pork chops, holy cow. That would be great.

Time for a break there. I feel a bit bad about crapping out this shitty post right after Amy's thoughtful one about things she hates, but hey! I'm not tired, I still have a lot of energy, and I remain amused, regardless of other considerations ... hey! Wouldn't it be nice if fingernail clippings could be burnt as fuel? I feel like I have to cut at least a few nails every day. And they just go in the trash. Hair clippings too -- our bodies go to all this trouble to create all this stuff, and we just chop it off and throw it in the trash. Seems like a terrible waste! And it's all organic, right? Anything that's organic is something you can burn, right? Someone work on that.

Bop-a-dee-bop ... you know what I want to see die? Twitter. Lame. It's perfect for people who like to talk but don't like to listen, but for people who enjoy two-way interactions, not so much. Which is why politicians are all over it, I think. In every other mode of communication ever devised by human beings, if you express something, you can probably expect some sort of response. Even in Facebook, if you post something, you'll often get a range of responses that Facebook then informs you about. But in Twitter, it's all just a mad torrent of people talking with no expectations of getting responses, and no good way to even track responses. That's why politicians love it -- "wait, there's a new way to talk without having to listen? I'm in! Why haven't we done this before?"

Zap-bap-adee-boo ... you know what would solve all the world's problems? Love. Love, sweet love. As in, makin' sweet love. As in, all the world leaders need to get together and have a big orgy. Then afterwards they would be too embarassed to talk to each other ever again, and everyone would leave each other the hell alone.

You know what else would solve all the world's problems? Women's rights and birth control. No, really. When a country gets women's rights and birth control, then people stop having so many goddamn babies. And when they stop having so many goddamn babies, they can concentrate on other things, like building societal infrastructures. (It helps if you have modern medicine, which makes it more likely that the few babies you have will survive. So maybe that's step one.) But after step one, which we just heard about in the parenthetical statement there, you have women's rights and birth control, which invariably means fewer kids and not putting such a strain on the family's finances and not putting such a strain on our environment to feed all these goddamn kids. I mean, I love kids, but enough already! We have 6 billion people on this little planet. Our population has grown crazy exponentially in the past hundred years, after being at a reasonable and sustainable stasis for centuries. Now we're left wondering how our environment will survive all the exhaust from all the cars these people will drive ... I say, that's it, no more people! From now on, just one kid per family, just like China. I mean, I've always dreamed of having two kids, so I get to have two, but nobody else from now on!

Now I'm tired. I'll go dream about unborn children now. Good night!