I'm Doing AdSense

Nice! I initiated "AdSense," which is Google's way of making money -- see it puts ads on the sides of this thing, and every time someone clicks on the ad I get  a miniscule bit of money. Why sell out now, you ask? Hey, now that a full six (6) people, by my count, are aware this world wide web log exists, I gotta squeeze some cheese outta this beatch! (Editor's note: Don't click on the ads just to get me a few cents. Too many clicks from the same person will cause Google shut down the party.)

Actually, I did AdSense only because it often gives fun results -- see, it sends a little robot thingy to scan the content for phrases and then it puts up ads on the side that the robot thinks relates to the content. Since it's all automated, with no actual human intervention, it's easy for it to come up with bizarre, amusing ads. 

So back to why I started this with "Nice!" -- we got on ad for "Fast & Furious"! Which is perfect after I spent the last post making fun of it.  Let's all look at the ad and laugh, laugh, laugh at the sublime stupidity of it all. Never forget, the ad seems to say, that cars go vroom. No matter what you do, do not forget that simple message. 

And hey, one of the taglines is apparently "The Fast Get Furious!" You're telling me they weren't furious the previous three times? So in "The Fast and The Furious" they were actually just fast and mildly annoyed? In "2 Fast 2 Furious" they were merely fast and in a slight bother? In "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" they were only fast and a wee bit caffienated?

Hey by the way, I'm hooked up to NPR on the Face Book, and one recent story was about the weird sequel name for "Fast and/or Furious," and they had some feeble attempts to parody this fact, and man, I was so tempted to enter a comment that linked to the post here and said "it's been done, and done better, so blow me NPR", which would have exposed this World Wide Web log to legions of Nerd Public Radio fans ... but I just couldn't. It just seemed wrong. I'm just such a terrible self-promoter. Meanwhile, there are dudes who do nothing on the Face Book but promote their own stupid crap ... but I hate them, so I guess that comes full circle. 

Anyway, with AdSense, we can now try to rig it to get certain ads to show up -- any requests? Just to test it out, let's pick something easy, like Viagra. Man, I love Viagra. Viagra is the Viagra-est. I Viagra at least Viagra times per day. All you need is Viagra. In fact, I'm inspired to write a poem:

I've seen the falls they call Niagara

I've seen the Taj Mahal in Agra

They all just gave me bad pellagra

Until I got some good Viagra

Viagra cured my nose, toes and penis

It keeps my meninges at their meanest

Despite the advice of dental hygenists

I use Viagra to keep my teeth cleanest

I could go on for days, but you get the idea. My dick was all broke before I found Viagra. Now I fuck my 80-year-old wife every hour on the hour! Thanks, Viagra! (P.S. That's always the ad I wanted to see from them -- something blunt and straightforward, instead of the vague images they show of old people lying in bathtubs outdoors, which by the way seems very unsanitary. Unless, when they were done with the tubs, they disconnected all the plumbing and lugged them back indoors, which I personally think would really kill the mood. I think instead they should show a before and after:

Before:

80-year-old woman: Hey baby, do me good and hard.

80-year-old man: Can't, dick broke. Isn't "60 Minutes" on by now?

80-year-old woman: Rats. I guess you're not really a man. I'm going to have to start an affair with that young, spry 75-year-old at the supper club who's always winking at the ladies and the radiators.

80-year-old man: That old rakehellion an kiss my limp dick.

80-year-old woman: Not that it would do any good!

(Uproarious laughter from the audience. Man sinks in to a deep chasm of self-loathing and despair.)

80-year-old man: Please God, let me die and end my interminable suffering. 

(Even more uproarious laughter and applause. Fade to black.)

After:

80-year-old man: Hey, 80-year-old woman, I just took something called "Viagra." Supposed to make me harder than a motherfucker on Mother's Day.

80-year-old woman: Whatever, 80-year-old man. I'm already getting good dick from that 75-year-old I told you about.

80-year-old man: Oh yeah, well, watch this!

(What follows is a solid hour of footage of furious, grunting, groaning, 80-year-old fuckin'. It only ends when they both break their hips simultaneously. Then an announcer comes on.)

Announcer: Pretty hot, huh? Well, that's Viagra is all about. People who  never, ever wanted to see fucking going at it like animals. )

Well, that turned out to be a really crass and awful post. Nothing like mining that old comedy staple Viagra for a few cheap laughs. Maybe I should do a bit about airplane food next. Not sure how this happened. It's not my fault, for some reason I haven't quite worked out yet. Sigh. I'm now sinking into a deep chasm of self-loathing and despair.

(Unbelievably uproarious laughter. People laugh so hard they all suffocate and die, thus ending their interminable suffering. The end.)