The Trouble with Concerts

Hip people, who listen to hip music, often tell us we should see more live music. I know because they sometimes have bumper stickers saying “SEE MORE LIVE MUSIC,” as if there’s some kind of national crisis in that respect. I wish I could tell them that I would, if it weren’t so painful, expensive, and/or irritating to do so.

Let me explain. I went to see the Flaming Lips recently. They are a wonderful band who put on a wonderful show, filled with balloons, confetti, laser lights, and of course most importantly, songs that I love. They were filled with energy and fun. It certainly wasn’t their fault that the experience was difficult for my wife and me. It was the fault of live music.

See, the Flaming Lips show, as is the case with any relatively hip band, played in a place without seats. This is conventional, but insane. Quite literally, as we left, I could barely walk, because my knees and heels were in so much pain. I know, I know, I’m an old, sad man. I’m 31, and I don’t exercise (because, by the way, exercise is for the weak. True strength involves the struggle to survive while in shitty condition), but I remember having the same problem when I was 20 and beautiful.

Where else, outside of perhaps a really bad day at the DMV, are we expected to stand in one place for four hours? At least at the DMV you get to move forward every so often. At a concert you have to militantly protect the tiny patch of floor you’re on so that no jackass moves in front of you.

Which brings me to the second problem with concerts: other people. Sure, it’s great to have a crowd roar in appreciation for something you also enjoy. But the same crowd will also stand behind you and scream “Play something dirty!” to the Flaming Lips and then laugh like hyenas. The same crowd will be really tall and then unexpectedly move right front of you just as the Lips come on stage. Then they’ll chainsmoke and cause your beloved and asthmatic wife to have to reach for her inhaler.

Of course, there are plenty of concerts that allow you to sit down. Those are old people concerts, and clearly, I’ll have to restrict myself to those. But the problem is that old people music still isn’t the kind I like best. I don’t like classical or opera. I’m not wild about the Rolling Stones, and I certainly don’t want to pay ten zillion dollars to sit a mile away from them in the ConHugeCo MegaDome.

To be clear, I love music, and there are few times in the day when I’m not listening to some (and those times are usually when the TV is on). I certainly wish concerts could be the ecstatic experience they’re supposed to be. But I have to wonder if there's something I'm missing. Perhaps the actual songs are secondary to the rite of hero worship. Maybe it’s not as much just listening to songs with others as it is visiting a shrine and watching your god perform a ceremony. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- but I seem to be unable to jibe with that somehow. Oh well.