1. About 15 minutes of trying to explain what the hell that means
2. Complete disinterest from the other person, followed by awkward attempt to change subjects
If I were on the other side of these conversation, I would always opt for number 2. Even more than bullshitty, "search engine marketing consultant" is such a "Golgafrinchan B Ark"-sounding name. I should explain that -- in the Douglas Adams book "Restaurant at the End of the Universe," there's a story about a planet that suddenly was facing disaster and told its population that they all needed to move to a different planet. They divided the population into three arks: the people who led and made decisions went in the A Ark, the people made things and did things went into the C Ark, and the B Ark was reserved for "everyone else." This was mainly hairdressers and middle managers. The B Ark went first. The C and A Ark people then celebrated getting rid of a useless third of their population by making up the whole disaster story out of whole cloth.
It's not fun to have a B-Ark sort of job title. But I have a feeling that more and more people have job titles like this now. Part of the problem is that new jobs are being invented all the time. There's no existing word for what I do, so apparently someone had to make one up.
But we could definitely do better than "search engine marketing consultant." That's a long, boring description, not a job name. Perhaps people thought that this work because it sort of explains the job in the title. But it doesn't, really -- as I just mentioned, no one understands what this is. This becomes especially true since no one who works here actually says "search engine marketing consultant" every time. It's too long -- you always call it "SEM." And no one upon no one outside this industry can possibly know what that means. You might as well just call me a "flooger," because it would be just as illuminating.
"Search engine marketing consultant" isn't going anywhere though, because it's perfect with the corporate world, where you have to use the most bloodless, lifeless words available for everything you say. If a sufficiently bloodless word doesn't exist, you make one up. You can't say "fire," because that sounds too exciting -- you have to say "downsize." You can't say "brainstorm," because it apparently makes it sound too interesting -- you have to make up the word "ideate."
I also think part of the problem is that people expect their job titles to be perfect descriptions of everything they do. For example, where I work, the sales reps don't want to be called "sales representatives" any more -- they are now "client consultants." Their reasoning is that they not only make sales, but they help clients with their Web sites. And "client consultant" apparently allows their souls to become freed from the stifling shackles of the term "sales representatives."
The problem is that "client consultant" is so vague that it is completely useless as a term. It could mean anything. Everyone who works with clients is a client consultant, because they all consult with clients. It's like me telling someone that I work as an employee.
Since when do job title have to be perfect descriptions of what people do? Doctors don't "doct." There's nothing in the word "doctor" that says anything about sickness, health, etc. We've just learned over time that what doctors do is help people who are sick. If doctors were invented today, we'd be called "client health care consultants." Then they'd be called "CHCCs" for short. No one would ever remember that, and then no one would get health care, and then everyone would die. Is that what you want?
It's not like it's impossible to make up good names nowadays and have them stick. Look at the Internet -- they're always making up odd little terms that work and work well. Crappy email you don't want is called "spam." Everyone knows what that is, even though there's really no relation between the Hormel product and crappy emails. Regardless, it now captures the concept perfectly, without having to resort to something like "unwanted email solicitations" (or UESs for short).
But I work in both corporate America and the Internet world, so apparently corporate America trumps the Internet and gives me a corporate-bullshit-sounding job title. Sigh.
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