Things I Hate: Going to Movies

I guess I've seen it all. I'm hardened, jaded, numbed. I saw "Avatar" last night and, meh. It was OK, I guess. I thought I'd be blown away by the 3D, but like everything, I got used to it pretty quickly. Everything good, that is, gets old fast. Everything awful sticks with me forever.

Speaking of things that are awful, at every goddamn movie I go to nowadays I'm surrounded by a BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WHO NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I hate it with such passion that I had to resort to all-caps and exclamation marks. Every time they yammer, always at regular speaking voices (is whispering a lost art?), I get torn out of the action. And shushing people never has any effect. I shush them throughout the movie, and they just keep on regardless.

And it's never even something that you could possibly want to hear. It's never "You know, the parallels between the Na'mi and Native Americans are obvious, but I wonder if the destruction of the Na'mi Lifetree is meant to remind viewers of the destruction of the Twin Towers?" Instead it's always "Aw, he's dead!" Yeah, brilliant, Eisenstein! What tipped you off, the fact that his eyes are closed and he's crumpled and bleeding on the ground and there's a delicate mood of tragedy in the air that you just destroyed?

And people always say that it's black people ruining movies by talking. Not true, as comedian Brian Posehn pointed out. He tells a story about going to see "Freddy vs. Jason" and hearing some black dude yell out "Look out bitch, he got a knife!" That's enhancing a movie that otherwise would have no real entertainment value. I had a similar experience when I went to see the horrible Britney Spears vehicle "Crossroads" ( some people I was with wanted to see it, by the way). While I was watching and hating that movie, some young black girls went up to the screen and started dancing along with Britney. That made that movie much more fun.

No, ruining a movie is when you're at "Hotel Rwanda," and you're suddenly hit by a shocking shot of hundreds of massacred people, and just as the horror sinks in, the old lady behind you says "Oh, they're all dead!" That happened to me, and it took all my strength to keep myself from braining her with my box of Jujubees.

I mean, there are some movies where you can talk. At comedies and kids' movies, go to town. Especially at kids' movies, it's part of the show. You expect kids to shriek and run around, because that's what kids are born to do.

But here's another thing -- don't bring kids to grown-up movies. PG-13 means it's not for young children. Not because the content will shock them, but because we don't want them there. The ratings aren't to protect the kids -- they're to protect adults from kids. Why do you think moviemakers throw a curseword in every other sentence? Because one single "fuck" gets you an automatic R rating. True story -- stupid, but true. And it's a great thing. Last time I saw "Hamlet" in the theater, it was perhaps a bit off-putting the way Hamlet kept saying things like "Alas, poor Yorick. I fucking knew him, Horatio. Fuckin' A, man." But it sure as hell kept the noisy kids out.

But anyway. I don't like sounding like a grumpy old man, but it does seem like the chatter in theaters has gotten worse. It's always been a problem, but I'm guessing nowadays people see so many movies at home, and apparently chatter like hyenas there, that they get used to it and do it in theaters. And there's also the texting and the cell phone calls and the kids with those earrings and the five-dollar cokes and why do people have to drive so fast nowadays and grumble grumble grumble ....

I am quite fearful of becoming a grumpy old man, by the way. I already basically am one, and I wish there was some way I could turn off these irritations and just be a mellow dude. I've tried everything to try and be cool, but still, every time someone yells "Who's that guy?" in a theater, it stabs my brain. If I'm trying not to think about it, it seems to hurt worse when it happens.

So I've taken to sitting in the back row whenever possible, because it's harder to hear people that way. And I try to always go to movies long after they're hot shit, so the theater is relatively empty. But I wish there were some way to get people to change.

I think we should abandon health care reform and the environmental crisis and all that shit and start a nationwide campaign to ban movie theater chatter. Or maybe terrorism can help here. Not the violent kind, mind you -- I was thinking maybe there was some way you could rouse a whole sleeper cell of anti-movie-chatter people to do something annoying but not illegal to people who talk, like put gum in ther hair or something. But it would have to get across that they got it because they were talking in the theater. Hmmm. Some sort of sticker that says "STOP TALKING IN THE THEATER" that's hard to get off? But they'd have to not notice when it happens and not know where it came from. This is tough.

The point would be that the word would get out that this annoying thing would keep happening to people who talk in theaters, and maybe there would be some news stories, and people would either learn to not talk or they would stay home for fear of getting the sticker or whatever. And that would really get the attention of the moviehouse owners, and maybe they would have ushers telling people to shut up, like I think they used to like a million years ago.

Anyway, I give up on that. The original point of this was that I feel like I've seen it all, and I haven't seen a movie that really shook me to the core in a long time. I guess I'm jaded -- but at the same time, I still love documentaries. Even TV shows that involve real people in some way tend to be more affecting to me than the grandest fictional film. I can shed tears at the drop of a hat at a TV show in which some real person says something sweet about some other real person. But when someone in a fictional movie does the same thing, it's sort of like "Eh, I don't know, I felt that his delivery was a bit clunky there." I think I don't like fiction any more.

You know, people crap on reality shows as a matter of course, and sure, some really suck. But as a whole, they're a damn sight better than the sitcoms and sappy dramas that used to pollute the TV airwaves. Maybe we love reality shows because we're so overdosed on fictional narratives that we're starting to get inured to them. The mechanics of fictional storytelling are so firmly established, with even the variations being a matter of course, that the only thing that can really thrill us or move us is reality (or, at least heavily edited reality). And you know, maybe that's not a bad thing. As documentaries and reality shows get more sophisticated and demonstrate better narratives, maybe there's not much reason to invent new lies.

Sigh. I used to be such a movie freak, too. Kinda sad to lose that. But you know, maybe I don't need an escape as much any more. My life is pretty good right now, better than it's ever been, really. When I didn't have the love of my life and generally didn't like myself very much, it was much more important to live vicariously through movies. Now my own life is fun enough to give me the kicks I need.

See, I can spin things in a happy way! Maybe I should start chatting amiably with the people behind me in the theaters. Oooh, now that could work. Just embrace it and roll with it instead. When they yell out "Who's that guy?" I can just spin around and say "That's the leader of the evil organization! Turns out he was a robot! Hey, what's your name? Can we be friends? I really like licorice. Do you have any?"

I think that qualifies as a happy ending. Roll credits.