You Will NOT Call This Past Decade "The Naughties"

I have a brand-new hatred. This one's so intense that all the others can go to hell. I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a locked room with ultra-right-wing lunatics who chew very loudly while touching their eyeballs and yammering inanely through a long series of Joss Whedon movies than hear another person call this past decade "the naughties."

It's annoying because it's a lame pun ("naught," "nineties," "naughties," wa ha ha), complete with a pathetically small tinge of transgressiveness, of the variety that I could picture on a $100 pink t-shirt worn by Paris Hilton. And it's not even apropos -- this past decade was many things, but it was not "naughty." It was a decade of war, terrorism, and economic disaster. Calling it "naughty" is like calling Hitler "a big poopyhead!"

It was a pretty good decade for me personally, but for the world, I'm betting it was the worst since the '30s. The '40s were a bit problematic too, granted, what with the aforementioned poopyhead and his naughty goings-on. The Aughts (as I prefer to call them) did not have had a single massive problem like the Depression in the '30s or the World War in the '40s. Instead it was a poisonous bouillabaisse of all the worst aspects of the last few decades: the unecessary, intractable foreign war of the '60s, the major recession of the '70s, the greed and widening disparity between rich and poor of the '80s, the existence of Kevin Smith of the '90s (I hate Kevin Smith too).

And more importantly, I have no clear idea what the pop-culture trends were this past decade. What would a Halloween costume of an Aughts dude look like? The '60s had hippies, the '70s had disco gear, the '80s had New Wave, the '90s had grunge -- what the hell did people wear in the Aughts? It's as if they just wore what looked best on them individually rather than slavishly following moronic fads that made them look ridiculous! What the fuck kind of decade is that?

Mostly, I'm worrying about what third-rate comedians will make unfunny comments about in the inevitable 30-hour VH-1 series "I Love the Aughts." I am actually kind of a sucker for those sort of things -- not because I enjoy the dime-store snarkiness, but because I genuinely love getting to know a period of time by going through the whole constellation of its cultural touchstones. For some reason, it warms my heart to watch a countdown of the most popular songs of the '90s, even though I distinctly remember hating most of the songs with a passion.

I'm sure I could easily find out what said unfunny third-rate comedians have already said about this decade -- as I remember, they made a "I Love this Current Decade" series long before the decade was over, and I'm sure there is another one going on now. But I'd rather conjecture about what I think should be in such a series:

1. Loads of technology crap: Social media web sites, Wii, iPods, iPhones, iMacs, iDon'tknowwhatelse
2. Reality shows

Uhhh ... well, there has to be other stuff. Maybe Beyonce? She had a good decade. Kanye West? What were the biggest movies? Batman Whatever with Heath Ledger as Crazy Joker? I know I'm favoring the stuff at the end of the decade, which people always do when they're talking about the previous decade. Let's go see what the top-grossing movies were in the Aughts:

The Dark Knight (2008)
$533,316,061
Shrek 2 (2004)
$436,471,036
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
$423,032,628
Spider-Man (2002)
$403,706,375
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
$402,076,689
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
$380,262,555
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
$377,019,252
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
$373,377,893
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
$370,270,943
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
$340,478,898
Finding Nemo (2003)
$339,714,367
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
$336,530,303
Shrek the Third (2007)
$320,706,665
Transformers (2007)
$318,759,914
Iron Man (2008)
$318,298,180
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
$317,557,891
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
$317,011,114
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
$313,837,577
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
$310,675,583
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
$309,404,152
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
$305,388,685
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
$301,956,980
Up (2009)
$292,979,556
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)
$292,000,866
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
$291,709,845
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
$289,994,397
New Moon (2009)
$281,928,000
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
$281,492,479
Meet the Fockers (2004)
$279,167,575
The Hangover (2009)
$277,313,371
Shrek (2001)
$267,652,016
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
$261,970,615
The Incredibles (2004)
$261,437,578
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
$260,031,035
Star Trek (2009)
$257,704,099
I Am Legend (2007)
$256,386,216
Monsters, Inc. (2001)
$255,870,172

Well, this is a rather alarming list. This, by the way, is a list of the 50 top-grossing movies of all time, with all the non-Aughties movies removed. This means that the only thing worse than "Transformers: Revenge of the fallen" being the fifth-biggest movie of the decade is the fact that it is the ninth-best grossing film OF ALL TIME. I know, this list of highest grossers was always kinda bullshit, since there's a huge bias towards recent movies because of inflation. But I remember when I was kinda into this list, when "E.T." had a long run at the top, surpassed only by "Titanic." Now "E.T." has been surpassed by "Shrek 2." Sigh.

But anwyay, all that aside, this is a good way to catch onto some of the Aughties touchstones. You had the "Lord of the Rings" series, which was quite good. You had all those Pixar movies, which are uniformly excellent. Harry Potter and Shrek are also, I'm told, tolerable, so those go in the bin of Aughts trends. Spider-Man, the "Star Wars" prequels, "Pirates of the Carribean," and "The Passion of the Christ" are definite keepers, for better or worse.

So now our list, in no particular order, is:

1. Social media web sites
2. Wii
3. Apple: iPods, iPhones, iMacs, iDon'tknowwhatelse
4. Reality shows (this could be many entries, maybe one for "Survivor," one for "American Idol," maybe "So You Think You Can Dance With the Stars" or whatever that show is)
5. "Lord of the Rings" movies
6. Pixar movies
7. Harry Potter
8. Shrek
9. Spider-Man
10. "Star Wars" prequels
11. "Passion of the Christ"
12. "Pirates of the Carribean"
13. "The Dark Knight"

Of course, there are also movies that didn't do blockbuster business, like "Brokeback Mountain." That should be in there. And there's all the other media. But I'm tired now. More later!

Amy's Irrational Fears and the Irrational Fear-o-Meter

I’ve noticed that the older I get, the more irrational my fears become. Are irrational fears a byproduct of age? I assume it has something to do with me hearing about other people’s disasters. The longer I live, the more I hear about disasters. Here’s me in 2006: “Nah, bridges never collapse.” And here’s me in late 2007: “Whoa. Watch out for bridges!” Are these budding fears useful or a hindrance? Downhill skiing, while still a fun activity, is hinting at its dangers with each passing experience. When I’m on the chair lift, I think about how much it would hurt to fall off. When I’m scraping my way down the hill, I think about how little I’d like my knee to bend the wrong way until it snaps. Is aging killing my very few joys in life now or is it just making me more careful? I don’t know. Let’s examine some of these fears in-depth:

Fear Number One: My Kitchen Cupboards Can’t Take It Anymore And Come Crashing Down. This is a tough one. I think I have, among other things, 12 dish sets in one upper cupboard above my sink. That’s 12 big plates, 12 little plates, 12 annoyingly big bowls, and 12 seldom-used saucers. The other things are more bowls, some little dishes I swiped from work, and some big heavy decorative dishes my mom gave me. That’s a lot of weight for one small cupboard above a sink. What’s holding that cupboard up? A couple of screws? I don’t see the kind of supports I’d like to see, like the things holding bridges up (even defective ones). As far as I know, my cupboards are just stuck to the wall with some Elmer’s. Why isn’t everyone concerned about this?

Irrationality Level: High. Totally irrational, though? I think not. My friend Lindsey’s ktichen cuboard fell off the wall once, unprovoked. Therefore, it can happen!

Fear Number Two: Mountain Lions. I live in Boulder and there are mountain lions here. I’ve never seen one and I don’t even know if I’ve ever met anyone who has ever seen one, but we know they’re lurking out here somewhere. And they eat people! Maybe they’re in my back yard right now! (As an aside, I really don’t think it should be “backyard.” I think it should be “back yard” and that’s what I’m going to use). I check my back yard every day for mountain lions and while I haven’t seen one yet, I’m not going to stop checking.

Irrationality Level: Medium. I mean, some kid was attacked about four years ago in Boulder and a few weeks ago in Oregon. It can happen!

Fear Number Three: Deciding to Try to Survive for a Summer in a Bus in Alaska and Eating a Poisonous Sweet Pea Plant and Dying Alone of Starvation. Those of you who have read and/or seen Into the Wild will notice that I have too. Since then, I have found myself feeling nervous about somehow accidentally ending up in that situation and I really, really, really don’t want to do that. None of it. I don’t want to live in a bus, I don’t want to eat a poisonous plant, and I don’t want to die of involuntary starvation. I should add a sub-fear, here, which is of eating anything poisonous, even if it’s not in Alaska. I couldn’t even eat this arugula salad I once ordered at a hoity-toity restaurant because it tasted like poison. But anyway, there it is. I really don’t want this to happen to me and just thinking about it gives me the willies.

Irrationality Level: OK, Really High. But you know what, it really did happen! Just not to me.

Fear Number Four: My Front Bicycle Tire Falls Off When I’m Riding Down a Hill. Like the cupboards, what is holding that tire on? Just a little metal? Who put this bike together? Who was the last person to put that wheel on? Me? For heaven’s sake, I don’t know anything about bikes. Who let me put a tire on a bike? Do I KNOW that I did it right? I mean, I think I did it right, it’s really not that hard, but did I tighten the thingies enough? Too much? Is the wheel going to sieze up and stop turning because it’s too tight?

Irrationality Level: I’d Say Medium-Low. Because when I was in high school, it did happen! to a kid I knew and he really got a bad road rash on his face.

Irrational Fear Number Five: My Cell Phone In My Front Pants Pocket Will Give Me Ovarian Cancer. This one eats at me every day. Hopefully not literally. We all know that cell phones give off a little radiation. How much? I don’t know. How much will give you cancer? I don’t know. Does anyone know if these levels are safe? I mean, people used to drink radium thinking it would keep them healthy. Now we know that’s a bad idea. In 30 years, will we look back on our cell phones as cancer cubes (even though they’re never cubes, but “cancer rectangular prisms” is awkward)? I’ve actually thought about carrying my cell phone in my back pocket, thinking that butt cancer would be better. But Farrah Fawcett had a really bad time with anal cancer and we all know how that ended, so that’s probably not a good alternative. (Hey! Maybe a cell phone in the back pocket is how she got it! Did anyone look into that possibility?) A purse would be better, but I hate purses. Getting rid of it would be the best of all, but it really is convenient sometimes. So what do I do? Do you suppose they sell little lead-lined pouches? I just have no answers to this problem. Thankfully, I don’t use my cell phone very much, so I’m strangely not worried about brain cancer.

Irrationality Level: Dammit, Low. Low! I think it’s Low! I think it could happen!

So there we have five of my least-rational fears. What do you think? Is this the first step to becoming the Little Old Lady Who Only Drives a Buick on Sundays or do these fears have merit? It is a case of older-and-wiser or growing instability? I think what gives me some hope and confidence is that I know there are people, maybe even sometime contributers to this blog, who have irrational bee fears. I don’t have an irrational bee fear. They can crawl all over me and I don’t care. Oh, but I am afraid of brown recluse spiders hiding in the fingers of old work gloves and biting me when I put them on. Laugh if you will, I don’t care. It can happen!