Two poops before 9, yet again. That seems to be a trend lately. The first comes on with alacrity and force, about two sips into my first cup of coffee. It's always a big, solid dark one, a strong, forceful leader, the Tony Soprano of the day's poops. The second is less intense, but still insistent, and tends to be lighter and more scattered in form. More of a Christopher Moltisanti, if you will.
Two poops before 9 a.m. always makes me wonder, though. That seems excessive. Is it something I'm eating? Do some foods yield a lot more waste product than others? If so, they should find out what foods yield very little poop material and feed it to cats. Then I'd have to change the litterbox less often.
I'd be very interested in poop research. I mean, I know scientists will study owl poop (which they charmingly call "owl pellets") and other animal poops ("bolus" seems to be the euphemism), but I wonder how many study human poop (and what their euphemism would be). I suppose a lot of connections are made between human poop and diseases, but I'm more interested in questions like "Why does it sometimes come out in one solid chunk sometimes and other times come out as a lot of little pieces?" "Why does it sometimes take about 40 wipes to get all the poop residue out and sometimes take just a couple?" That latter question is especially pressing for me personally -- because of the large amount of pooping and the concomitant amount of wiping I do daily, the ol' asshole can get pretty raw. It's not uncommon to see little blood spots on the toilet paper. Not good. My lifelong dream is to have a bidet and just skip the whole wiping process entirely.
I wonder if I might reach in farther than most people when wiping, though. It's not like I do it for fun of course -- I have to get that stuff out. I always have to make conscious effort to relax my asshole as much as possible and then really reach in far to get to some sort of inner layer. I think of it like trying to brush a shark's inner row of teeth. I don't know if that's true for everybody, or if maybe I have an unsually complex and layered asshole.
I also find that anything but the best toilet paper tends to break apart in mid-wipe, resulting in poop residue on my finger, which is of course very unpleasant. So nowadays I shell out for the top-of-the-line stuff, the toilet paper made of advanced polymers and equipped with special blue bristles for those hard-to-reach places.
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5 comments:
Hoooooooo. I get to be the first to comment. Where is Anonymous when you need him?
Naturally, I can't resist a comment. Ed, um, Chris, I mean, you should change a poop diaper to familiarize yourself with the amount of wiping needed for a clean asshole. There isn't much brushing of a shark's inner teeth needed. Better yet, just get yourself some wipes. Don't flush them, though. Or if you're ecologically minded, use a wet washcloth, like our mothers and all the mothers before them had to suffer through before the invention of wipes. Don't flush that, either, and don't wash it with your regular clothes.
Um, regarding the perfect diet for minimal pooping, when I ate fish on rice three times a day for two months, I only pooped about once every two weeks. Seriously. I was very aware and appreciative of that, given that the West African toilet is a hole in the ground (not a big problem) with inadequate fencing (big problem when you've got one of only two white asses in about a 100-mile radius.
I should admit now, though, despite my candid comment, that I'm a little uneasy about subsequent volumes of the Poop Journal.
Chris, I think this will help:
Smelly Poop.
Fascinating, thanks!
Is there a way to limit the length of comments? Anonymous is getting a little out of control.
I have a lot to contribute to this conversation but I am going to try to resist. Because it is gross.
First off-I agree with Amy. I have also delved into the world of excessive wiping and it is a dark place, indeed. You need to work through this before you give yourself anal fissures or something. I disagree with Amy about the wet washcloth, though. Unless you get rid of them before I come over for dinner.
Many of the questions you pose are familiar to me. I also wonder why we tend to poop at the same time everyday? Is morning always better or have we trained ourselves? I don't remember being on such a schedule when I was younger.
Last comment--I think that it is basically good to poop a lot. That means there is lots of undigestable fiber in your diet and you are well hydrated.
How many volumes are there in the Poop Journal? I feel like you already covered a lot of ground.
Once or twice a year, I go on a multi-day canoe trip and bathroom conditions in the wild are sometimes sub-optimal. Thus I adopt a zero-waste policy. It seems that there must be a diet that provides exactly the right amount of nutrients and hydration that no waste is necessary. I haven't succeeded yet, but it doesn't mean I can't try.
Regarding time of day, one of the common understandings about babies (whether valid or not) is that they poop to make more room for more food. Maybe that's why we poop in the morning. Both my kids do, too. Sort of a cleansing in preparation for the day.
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