This Just in: Athlete Has AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!111

ST. PAUL, MN -- The nation was shocked to the point of pants-shitting this week when it was revealed that a fabulously wealthy, famous and attractive professional athlete was having an affair. There is no precedent for such marital infidelity in the history of professional athletics.

"How could we have possibly predicted this would happen?" said typical American moron Naive McWhuuuuu?. "Naturally, we all assume that professional athletes are paragons of virtue -- chaste as monks and humble as clinical depressives. To see something like this happen ... well, why would we ever want to watch or participate in sports again?"

Among most of the morons interviewed, the primary source of confusion is how this highly desirable athlete, deemed as "fuckable on sight" by approximately 3 billion women and gay men across the world, could have possibly have had sexual relations with a woman who was not his wife. The logistics of such affairs have confounded American morons, since the athlete spends a majority of time away from home, constantly surrounded by legions of worshipful female fans and sycophantic male enablers.

The athlete's wife shared the nation's displeasure, expressing her rage by beating the shit out of said athlete's car, or something like that. This reporter didn't really pay a lot of attention to the details, since there are approximately 10 million things occurring that are much, much more relevant to his life, ranging from the health-care debate that promises to radically rework a sixth of the nation's economy, all the way down to the color and shape of his latest bowel movement.

"It looked like four longish, chocolate-brown ones," said this reporter, on condition of anonymity. "Not that I'm obsessed with my own poop or have to monitor it for a gastrointestinal disorder or anything. My point is just that as unimportant as the size and shape of my poop is, it's still more important to me than the sex lives of professional athletes. That was the idea there. Maybe not the best example, but I'm too lazy to think of a better one."

The name of the athlete under suspicion of infidelity has been withheld from this story, out of respect for the private lives of actual, real-life human beings who do not deserve having their painful experiences paraded in front of a nation of brainless gawkers like a freak show.