Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Finally Figured Out What "Quantum of Solace" Means

So a "quantum," in a loose bastardized sort of way, could be thought of as a very, very, very small packet. And then a "quantum of solace" would imply that James Bond is so unbelievably stressed out that all he can manage each day is a very small amount, a quantum, of solace. The rest is all busy, busy, busy, kill, kill, kill, running from meeting to meeting, jumping from plane to helicopter to ski slope with barely a freakin' quantum each day to just sit back, relax, get a sip of coffee and check the Drudge Report. (James Bond seems like a conservative to me. I don't know why.)

This is a minor triumph for me, figuring out what this means. Just about every time a new James Bond comes out, I spend weeks trying to comprehend what the hell the title has to do with James Bond. For a while there they were just putting the word "die" together with other vague words and hoping no one really noticed. There was "Die Another Day," which I suppose is kind of encouraging and helpful (Don't worry, J.B. You got plenty on your mind. Die another day! For now, just read Drudge and relax.) and "Tomorrow Never Dies" (I still don't really get that one. Is it also sort of hopeful, saying "Hey, tomorrow will always be here! Tomorrow never dies! You'll die another day, granted, but not tomorrow!" Or is it more of a stoner philosophy thing: "Dude, did you ever think that tomorrow never dies? Whoa.")

But for most of these, they seem sort of cheerful and hopeful, when the original impact is supposed to be more foreboding and kick-ass. When you think about them (which I don't necessarily recommend-- look at where it's gotten me), they all seem counter to the James Bond spirit. He's not supposed to be reassured, he's supposed to be angry and fighting. They really should be make them something more unambiguously aggressive, like "James Bond Kicks Ass, Takes Names, and then Kicks More Ass" or "James Bond: Ouch to Bad Guys!" Or let's just cut straight to the quick and call it "James Bond: RAAAWWRRUGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

The worst of all, for my money, was "A View to a Kill." Not the movie, mind you, which I don't know if I saw (they all run together), but the title. "A VIEW to a Kill"? So Bond is just standing there watching someone being killed? What is he, in an E.M. Forster novel? He's James Bond, he should be in the middle of it! Any killing going on in his vicinity, whether it pertains to him or not, he should jump right in the middle of it and start the fists a'flyin'. Instead he's just sitting in some nice windowsill in the Italian countryside, sipping cappuccino, checking Drudge on his laptop, and saying,"Oh, this place is just a dream. The view, especially to a kill, is to die for." Who would watch that? (Actually, I think I would watch that. A movie called "James Bond: My Awesome Trip to Italy." And the whole thing is James Bond showing a slide show of his trip through Italy to M and Moneypenny and Oddjob and whoever the hell else. Or maybe the James Bond Travel Channel show called "A View to Die For," where James Bond is your charming guide through the beautiful cobbled streets of Turin and occasionally turns around and beats the hell out of some random thin guy in a dark suit. And now back to this beautiful catheral ... etc.)

Anyway, the point remains that I can finally claim triumph over one weird Bond title. "Quantum of Solace" is solved. It gives me a quantum of solace to know I got that one, ya know what I mean? Yup, a little quantum of solace. That's all I need to get through the day. I'm going to use that all the time now. Kids, will you quiet down?!? A guy can't get a quantum of solace around here! You work all day at the plant, you expect at least a quantum of solace when you get home! Am I right, James?

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