No More Naked!

At this writing, there's the Naked Cowboy, the Naked Chef, the Naked Archaeologist, the Naked Economist, etc., et al., ad infinitum, ad nauseam, ad hoc, semper fidelis, caveat emptor. The first one is a guy who walks around Times Square in a diaper strumming a guitar; the rest are all real shows, no fooling.

The chief problem with all of these people is that they're all men! Who needs that? Naked women are what this country hungers for -- naked men are a dime a dozen. There was a comedienne who said she never understood the concept of Playgirl because if you want a naked man, all you have to do is ask one. Boom, naked man. Same strategy doesn't work on women; I know, I've tried.

But how come you don't see a rash of men on the street disrobing at the drop of a hat? Because no one wants to see that. Granted, most women, and some men, seem to be physically attracted to men on some level. But it's more of a emotional / spiritual / deep-seated whatever-the-fuck than the brand of clinical, dumbfounded simplicity that characterizes attraction for women. That is, when you're attracted to men, you want to see a particular brand of confident swagger that matches a certain effortless overall look, all of which is defined differently by different people at different times ... meanwhile, when you're attracted to women, you want to see boobs. Lots of 'em.

And the reasons are obvious. The female body, as Elaine from Seinfeld once said, is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. The female body is all sensual smooth curves comprising an aesthetically balanced whole, with each individual body displaying its own unique cohesive beauty. The male body is a machine straight off an assembly line, all straight, dull lines, except, of course, for the knobby, gnarled protrusion in the middle. That's why women always laugh when they see a naked man for the first time: because it's funny. Totally absurd -- you get nothing but a lot of predictable blandness and then, out of nowhere, this messy blob of freak parts that looks less like an implement of love and more like a deformed snail clinging to a walnut.

Anyway, I've said all this before. Point is, I'm sure a show in which a hot naked woman discusses fiscal policy or explores Mayan ruins would be wonderful. But it would still a bit incongruous.

Why exactly you would want your archaeologist or economist to be naked is beyond my comprehension. With the archaeologist, it seems like you'd have to spend a lot of time getting dust that breathes the lives of the ancients out of embarrassing orifices. And that dust might be valuable. Maybe there should be a second archaeologist who takes a little chisel and broom and excavates the naked archaeologist after he rolls around in some ruins.

The Naked Economist is perhaps even stranger. Now I'm sure there are plenty of sexy economists in the world. But as far as I've gleaned in my years of observation, the sexy professions for men are typically the ones that involve being outdoors and using your muscles: cowboy, construction worker, policeman, biker, Indian chief, that kind of thing. Not so much some pasty guy who sits naked in an office chair hunched over government data.

And I'd rather not even think about the hygienic issues associated with the naked chef. I would hope he at least wears a hairnet. Several.

Anyway, all of this is besides the point. None of these naked professionals actually does anything remotely naked. The naked cowboy is at least wearing nothing but a diaper and cowboy hat -- for the rest it's all bait-and-switch. Not that anyone has ever complained; I'm sure people were actually relieved when the Naked Archaeologist turned out to be fully clothed.

Again, the difference between the sexes is illuminating: Can you imagine the uproar if you advertised a show called "The Naked Aviatrix," got the whole heterosexual male world to watch, and then just showed a fully clothed female pilot talking about rudders and altitude gauges? There would be a worldwide riot, cities would burn to the ground, Satan would rise forth and claim his new empire, and everyone would be forced to watch "The Naked Soil & Water Conservation District Commissioner" 24/7.

Perhaps I'm being too literal. Perhaps the titles of these shows are just meant to make their particular brands of archaeology and economics and chef-ing seem fun and exciting. But there are better ways to do that. How about "Xtreme Archaeology"? How about "Russell Simmons' Def Economic Theory Jam"? How about "The Chef that Kicks Fuckin' ASS, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!"

So clearly, guys, there's no reason to resort to the cheap (and disgusting) (and ineffective) strategy of jazzing up your show by calling it naked. Take it from me; I know all about naked. In fact, I'm naked right now! Eh, ladies, heh heh heh? Eh? No? Oh. Sorry. Never mind.