My New Least Favorite Commercial

So I watch a lot of MLB Network, which is a new channel that doesn't have a ton of viewership. Therefore, they only have about three commercial sponsors on the whole station, and the same three ads cycle endlessly.

Unfortunately, one of the sponsors is Pizza Hut, whose latest attempt to kill people with pizza is one with a crust made of cheese, or something. I'm not exactly clear on it, because I literally have to turn away in horror every time the commercial comes on. It involves the ex-comedian Jim Breuer saying "Jackpot!" over and over again, in increasingly annoying ways. It's a nakedly obvious attempt to start a catchphrase, but fails spectacularly.

It also serves to kill Jim Breuer for me -- if you don't know who he is, he's a sleepy-eyed guy who was on "Saturday Night Live" for a while, best known for his Joe Pesci impression. He was always sort of a frat-boy comedian, a la Dane Cook, but I dunno, I guess I still thought he was OK. No more. He's dead to me. And hopefully, soon, to everyone else.

One quick digression: Have there actually been any nationwide catchphrases lately? Is that a lost art? I remember when every other ad featured a catchphrase that was a nationwide phenomenon. From "Bo Knows Baseball," to "Wassssaaaaap," our young nation was bound in common bond, inviolable and sacrosanct, by the catchphrases that gave voice to our deep and fundamental need to collectively beat jokes into the ground. I was reminded of this recently as I overheard a coworker -- a well-meaning and sociable fellow, I should disclaim -- say "Wassssappp! Remember that ad?" to someone else in the office. It wasn't as annoying as you might think -- it was more of a painfully sad spectacle of desperate, deeply ruined whimsy, like watching a grungy, grinning clown make balloon animals for spare change in a crackhouse.

Admittedly, I'm so ensconsed in my own little world of my wife, fantasy baseball, and whatever's in our Netflix queue, that I probably remain completely ignorant of nationwide catchphrases and suchlike. But it would be interesting if catchphrases were dead. And they say we're going through a tough time in this country! C'mon America, we kicked our catchphrase habit! Turn that frown upside down!

But back to annoying ads: I also remember a time when I had a list of companies whose ads were very annoying. I vowed to boycott those companies until their ads became less excrutiating (which is kinda pointless, actually, because they were all companies whose products I didn't buy anyway, that or I'd just forget). But this Pizza Hut is the first in ages that has brought out that level of revulsion in me. Why is that? Have I mellowed? (Not bloody likely -- recently I cursed out some people at Enterprise Rent-A-Car -- long story.) Or have commercials just gotten better? It might be that plus the fact that I watch fewer commercials, what with Netflix and a DVR. And hey, America, yet another reason to c'mon and get happy: Look at yourself now. Now think back to about eight years ago. Aren't you watching fewer TV ads than you did then? Doesn't that put a smile on your face?

I'm adding this to my list of The Good News (Referring to Problems That Have Been Solved in America and Thus Contrast with Bad News -- Not Referring to Jesus, Who's Good and All, but Let's Be Frank, He's Not Exactly "News"):

1. Acid rain (solved, from what I hear)
2. Hole in the ozone (not exactly solved, from what I hear, but much less of a problem, all due to smart government regulation of the offending chemicals -- all in all, good reason to think the government can have a positive influence on global warming)
3. Serial killers (As I pointed out in an earlier post, when was the last time you heard about a serial killer? But in the '90s, the country was lousy with them.)
4. Violent crime (obviously not solved, but down dramatically since the mid-'90s)
5. Annoying TV ads (not abolished, but down to a trickle, in my view)

I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones that come immediately to mind. I think it's important to review these Good News items so we don't get too discouraged. Anyone got others?

More Amazing Inventions!

1. The Fart Sweetener: There must be something you can stick up yout butt that will convert the terrible smell of farts into a pleasant, floral aroma. I wouldn't necessarily recommend just putting a Glade Plug-In up your ass, but I do think Glade should investigate some version that can be inserted rectally. Even if it were just a filter, maybe in your underwear, that activates upon contact from fart molecules and covers up the smell with potpourri. Imagine if you were at a pleasant dinner party, and over cups of tea and dainty finger sandwiches, your host could say, "Ronald, (your name is Ronald), I'm finding the odor in this room to be a trifle stank. Would you mind farting?" And then you say "but of course!" and let out a bit juicy fart. Then suddenly everyone breathes in deep, with pleased expressions on their faces, and all say simultaneously, "Ahhh ... Country Fresh, I believe!" And then you nod and everyone chuckles happily. It would be great.

2. The Honk Specifier: Since I first became able to drive, I've decried the inspecificity of honks. A honk is the only way to communicate with fellow drivers, and it is the most clumsy and blunt tool imaginable. A single honk can mean:

1. Fuck you!
2. Hey, pay attention.
3. Excuse me, do you mind terribly? Thanks!
4. Hey, I know you!
5. Oops, I slipped and hit my horn.
6. I was just in a crash and am dead.

Sometimes you can guess at what was meant by the length of the honk, but that's rare -- most honks are medium-length ones that are completely inscrutable. Add this ambiguity of intent to the fact that on a crowded street, no one has any idea who is honking, or to whom they have honked, or which whom they will have had had gehonkened. It's a mess. It's as if we only had one word in the English language, "Blargh!" and we had to say "Blargh!" at every occasion. Imagine if "hello" was "blargh," "good-bye" was "blargh," "I love you" was "blargh," "go to hell," was "blargh" -- granted, you could use different tones and inflections, but I still think there would be lots of misunderstandings.

So I propose a whole set of different honks. They would vary in pitch, and each pitch would mean a different thing. You'd have a high pitch for "move ahead please!" and a low pitch for "Go to hell." And maybe you could have a second sound for the location that you mean to direct the honk. Maybe the car could just say "North!" And it would always have to identify the sender of the honk, maybe by automatically tacking on "blue Honda!" assuming you drive a blue Honda. So if you were in a blue Honda and wanted the car in front of you to know that the light has turned green and it's time to go, your car says "North from blue Honda, (polite, high-pitched beep)!"

But that could be awfully noisy. Maybe instead you need an electronic news-ticker style thing on top of your car. You'd need four, one for each direction -- then you could light it up only in the direction of the person to whom you're honking. So you press the direction and type of honk. Each type of honk automatically corresponds to an intended message, and puts it on the correct electronic sign.

Then when you hear a honk, you look to see if you can see an electronic message. If you don't see one, you're in the clear, but if you see something saying "Move your ass!", then you know that that specific car is telling you specifically to move your specific ass.

You do run into the problem of too much thinking being required for each honk. But really, wouldn't that be good? Now people honk at the drop of a hat -- wouldn't it be nice if people had to stop and think for at least a split second exactly what they mean to communicate and to whom? Maybe you wouldn't end up with people honking like morons in the middle of a traffic jam that is no one's fault.

And I guess you'd still have to have a "panic" one that you can just quickly hit in an emergency. But if you did the "panic" one in non-emergencies, you should get arrested, or something. I haven't worked out all the bugs. But you get the idea.