Poop Journal, Vol. 1

Two poops before 9, yet again. That seems to be a trend lately. The first comes on with alacrity and force, about two sips into my first cup of coffee. It's always a big, solid dark one, a strong, forceful leader, the Tony Soprano of the day's poops. The second is less intense, but still insistent, and tends to be lighter and more scattered in form. More of a Christopher Moltisanti, if you will.

Two poops before 9 a.m. always makes me wonder, though. That seems excessive. Is it something I'm eating? Do some foods yield a lot more waste product than others? If so, they should find out what foods yield very little poop material and feed it to cats. Then I'd have to change the litterbox less often.

I'd be very interested in poop research. I mean, I know scientists will study owl poop (which they charmingly call "owl pellets") and other animal poops ("bolus" seems to be the euphemism), but I wonder how many study human poop (and what their euphemism would be). I suppose a lot of connections are made between human poop and diseases, but I'm more interested in questions like "Why does it sometimes come out in one solid chunk sometimes and other times come out as a lot of little pieces?" "Why does it sometimes take about 40 wipes to get all the poop residue out and sometimes take just a couple?" That latter question is especially pressing for me personally -- because of the large amount of pooping and the concomitant amount of wiping I do daily, the ol' asshole can get pretty raw. It's not uncommon to see little blood spots on the toilet paper. Not good. My lifelong dream is to have a bidet and just skip the whole wiping process entirely.

I wonder if I might reach in farther than most people when wiping, though. It's not like I do it for fun of course -- I have to get that stuff out. I always have to make conscious effort to relax my asshole as much as possible and then really reach in far to get to some sort of inner layer. I think of it like trying to brush a shark's inner row of teeth. I don't know if that's true for everybody, or if maybe I have an unsually complex and layered asshole.

I also find that anything but the best toilet paper tends to break apart in mid-wipe, resulting in poop residue on my finger, which is of course very unpleasant. So nowadays I shell out for the top-of-the-line stuff, the toilet paper made of advanced polymers and equipped with special blue bristles for those hard-to-reach places.

Congratulations! You made it to the end of a very disgusting post. You win $1. To claim your prize, carefully print the words "poop journal read in full!" on a 3X5 card and send it to:

Chris E. Keedei Poop Journal Promotion
1333 Mockingbird Lane
Funkytown, AL 54321

Thanks for playing!