We Need a Nerdlympics

I love the Olympics. I love the international part and I love the fact that the competitions are quick (races like swimming or speed skating and prancy-dancy things like gymnastics and ice dancing usually take a few minutes each, which I think is why the races and prancy-dancy things are always more popular in the Olympics than, like, hockey or baseball or whatever). But I do think there's an aspect of it that's a little outdated: It's athletic.

Let's be frank -- physical activity is a bit passe. There was a time when physical strength was really a ticket to personal success. You had to swing extremely heavy swords to chop the limbs off of Huns. You had to plow fields like a mofo to feed your family. Big muscles were pragmatic.

Nowadays, athletic ability is little more than window dressing. The winners in life are the nerds who start computer companies or the CEOs who connivingly back-stab their way to wealth. The musclebound types might get chicks in high school , but in real life, they either make the NFL or they get really good at hauling trash. Even if you're a soldier, you do better if you know how to program computers for drone attacks than if you ran into a terrorist cell with your shirt ripped off yelling "ROOOAAAAR!!" like a movie monster. It's brains, not brawn, that wins in modern life.

I mentioned the NFL because yes, there are some brawny types who do well in professional sports. But the people who actually get paid to play sports comprise one millionth of one percent of the all the jocks in the world. And it underlines my main point -- that this appreciation of athletic prowess is a vestigial instinct, one that once would have rewarded those who can provide and produce wealth, but now is tantamount to making national celebrities out of the people who have the best haircuts. It's nice, it's attractive, but it's really pretty useless in real life.

That's why I propose a Nerdlympics. I haven't really figured out the events yet, but I was hoping you guys could help with that. The only rule is that success can not have anything to do with athletic ability. And also, the competition should at least be kinda interesting to watch. It doesn't have to be riveting to do well in an international competition -- look at luge, where they run against a clock and every single run looks exactly the same. And people still watch that and cheer like lunatics. So the bar is pretty low.

It has to be relatively comprehensible too. You can't have a math competition (sorry Emily) because most people don't understand math. It has to be something that people do actually find enjoyable, typically. I think Scrabble should be one.

I'm a bit biased because I'm a Scrabble freak. But I think it could be a lot like televised poker. I've never really enjoyed playing poker, but I admit, it's not bad to watch on TV. Taking a page from televised poker, you would need to see each person's hand on TV, so you could shout at the TV "No, 'qi' on the triple word score, you moron!" That would really be the fun of it. And when they put down a weird word you've never heard of, the TV guys should define it for you. And each turn should be timed to keep things moving.

And honestly, wouldn't you rather root for some nice old grandma who happens to be a Scrabble master than Apolo Anton Ohno and that stripper's pussy on his face? Aren't we all a little tired of rooting for jocks? Hell, reality shows are nothing but non-athletic competitions -- singing, cooking, bug-eating -- and we love them to death. We need that kind of stuff on an international scale, only every four years, and decide that it's a really big deal. That part just seems to make it so much more fun.

So what events would you put in the Nerdlympics?