Why I Regard Grammar Teachers with Awe and a Little Unease

Consider the following:

- Mr. Jones’ cat ate too many blades of grass, and barfed.
- Mr. Jones’s cat ate too many blades of grass and barfed.

Which of these sentences would you claim? There are some who state with authority that the first one is correct. Always use an apostrophe S unless the word ends in an S to indicate possession. “It’s an EXCEPTION,” they proclaim, because as we all know, there are exceptions to every rule. One might even argue that you use pronunciation as your guide: You wouldn’t say, “’Mr. JonesES’, would you?” Would you? Why not?

And then there’s the “and.” (Never start your sentences with “and.”) Why is there a comma before that “and?” Separating clauses? Ah, no, the words after the “and” aren’t a clause. Separating items in a list? Well, again, no. That’s not much of a list. I suppose you could make it a list:

1. Too many blades of grass
2. Barfed

But does that advance the argument for that comma any? No, so let’s just forget that. What does that comma do? Really?

See, the simple darn fact here is that comma before the “and” does nothing – nothing! – to clarify, emphasize, or even spicify that collection of words. So why use it?

Because someone’s grammar teacher in fourth grade told them to. (Never start your sentence with “because.”) That’s it. That’s the only reason anyone ever puts that comma in. Because Mrs. Butters said so. It’s the rule. Don’t believe me? Then chew on this:

My husband insists, because Mrs. Spoon put it on her test in fifth grade, that all four-syllable words should be pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable. You know, like “advertisement.” The rest of us know that rule is ridiculous (“constitution,” “reservation,” “hypnotism,” “restitution” – just try saying them using that “rule”), but it’s too late for him. Mrs. Spoon said so and so it is.

Everyone in the newspaper industry thinks that there should be no comma before the “and” in a list of three or more items. “beef, turkey and ham shanks.” You gotta be kidding. Beef, turkey and ham shanks, and….what? Don’t leave me hanging, here.

Apparently the shampoo bottle writer at Finesse, the marketer at Evian, everyone at my local supermarket, and just about everyone else who runs a business that is open seven days a week thinks that “low prices everyday!” makes sense. That may not be the fault of Mrs. Spanks. That may just be ignorance.

You know and I know people who smartly assert, “Never end a sentence with a preposition.” But next time you hear it, ask them to explain why. (Never start your sentences with “but.”) Because it dangles? So what? Because you don’t know what should come after the dangling preposition? Really? Convince me that all those proverbial doctors who are in have been wrong all these years.

Elementary school grammar teachers have more power than most of us realize. People change their minds about all sorts of things throughout their lives – their politics, their interpretations of history, their preferences for food, music, and fashion – but their grammar rules? Nope. Grammar rules, immediately after learning, become a part of an intellectual gospel that nothing can ever change. Ever.

It’s really just state-sanctioned brainwashing over thousands of kids. Except that (here’s the kicker, whatever that means) apparently these grammar teachers can just decide which versions of the rules they want to zap us with. There’s no consistency, no real set of standards. And so we return to our charming sentences:

- Mr. Jones’ cat ate too many blades of grass, and barfed.
- Mr. Jones’s cat ate too many blades of grass and barfed.

Whichever version you prefer, you’re right, if only in your own confused little mind. For the record, though, the second sentence is the one that’s REALLY right.