The Satisfaction of Inaction

Last weekend I said I'd be a world-wide-web-log-of-pointless-ramblings-writing machine, and then I didn't feel like it for a week. And then last night my wife and I came up for some great ideas for creating a new kind of movie theater. Then we concluded that we'll never ever ever do it.

Before I get into the reasons behind our laziness, I want to get this idea out there so someone can steal it, make it happen, and then, a la "The Jerk," come back to me and give me half the resulting fortune. See, right now there's this dead, empty theater right in a nice pedestrian area of downtown St. Paul. So we want to make that into the downtown's only movie theater.

But wait, Ron Popeil, there's more. It would be a revue house, showing old (i.e. cheap-to-rent) movies - but not the movies some cineaste fill-um snob thinks you should see. This will be what you and your dorkball friends want to see. And we'll make absolutely sure of that because we'll have polls on our Web site, the results of which will determine what gets shown.

So on the Web site we'll say "You choose what we show. Which Star Wars movie is the best?" Then people vote on their favorite, and the winning movie gets shown. Wouldn't that be fun?

Maybe you wouldn't do this for every showing. Sometimes you'll be nakedly catering to enthusastic little subcultures surrounding cult films. For example, right now "The Big Lebowski" seems to have a massive cult following -- bizarre, for what is, in my view, good-but-not-great Coen Brothers fare -- but it doesn't matter what I think; it matters what paying customers think. And for something like that, you could make it a big scha-meal by telling people to dress up like their favorite character, or maybe even hiring local actors to play the characters as they take tickets and hand out popcorn. That kind of thing.

And it could be a co-op. So people buy shares and then get a few free tickets and maybe a reduced price for all tickets. And they also get the profits. I think that would make them more emotionally involved, make it more of a fun local institution and less of just another dark box in which movies are shown at you. What if you could get season tickets to a movie theater? Just a thought.

And of course, being in downtown St. Paul, you could rent it out to government organizations and businesses and such. And you could do it up all green and local, with biodegradable cups and popcorn boxes and staff members, and get local whatevers to sell their locally produced chocolate/popcorn/collard greens/what have you. The wife wants to have healthy snacks too, like dried fruit and air-popped popcorn in olive oil with garlic on it. That part's negotiable.

Could be cool, huh? Too bad I'll never ever ever do it. The sad fact is that I'm just not an entrepeneur. I don't like the adventure or risk involved. Hell, I don't like adventure or risk, period. I like stability and quiet.

Let me map this out for you, because I can see from your stupid, slack-jawed faces that you're not getting it. It's not because I lack some bit of American Can-Do Spirit or something and am therefore worthless -- at least I don't think so.

Try thinking of the whole range of positive emotions as a spectrum, with mind-blowing, adrenelized excitement on one end and mellow half-asleep contentment on the other. While you're thinking of that, I'm already taking a nap on the latter end. Sure, I have moments when I want some excitement, but excitement for me is going to a museum. And then going to a quiet restaurant and drinking an entire keg of beer and passing out peacefully. It's just how I'm wired.

As for the movie theater, just the notion of all the legwork and "pitch"ing people and ordering people around and marketing and being nervous about who will show up - bah. Not worth it. My ultimate fantasy isn't to be on the top of the world. My ultimate fantasy is to be nestled snugly in the middle of the world somehwere, with a loving family and a comfortable house. I'm a marryin' man, a family man, a man of love, and a Man of Inaction. Watch me sit!