Excitement!

AND NOW for the exciting conclusion of ... Baseball, Woo!

HOST: So far, we've gotten to know one of the two records that were broken at the end of the 2007 baseball season. One has yet to be revealed. Reader(s) received hints as to the identity of the our winner, but no one has known for sure until today. Now for the moment we've all been waiting for ... (Make a sudden cut, reality-show-conclusion-style, to a shot of Ed looking nervous. BUM-BUM! Cut to a baseball. BUM-BUM! Cut to a computer screen. BUM-BUM! Cut to Jimmy Rollins. He waves cheerfully. BUM-BUM! Cut back to Ed, looking annoyed. BUM-BUM! Cut to a shot of the cameraman's feet. BUM-BUM! Cut to a shot of Ernest Borgnine in "Marty." BUM-BUM! Cut back to Ed, asleep. BUM-BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DAAAAA-BUM!

ED (waking up): Yeah, uh, it's Jimmy Rollins. He broke the record for at-bats in a season. He had 716, while only three players ever even managed 700 before. Willie Wilson had 705 in 1980 and was the previous record holder. So Jimmy cleared it by a pretty large margin. Pretty cool. Well, I thought it was, anyway. So, yeah.

DA-DA-DA -DA-DAAAAAAAA!!! (Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling. Jimmy Rollins jumps up and down ecstatically. People in the audience go apeshit. The camera swoops around pointlessly.)

HOST: THANK YOU EVERYONE so much for this wonderful experience! We've all had the time of our lives, and we want to thank you, the reader (i.e., Joe), for making it all possible! We love you!!! Good-bye!!!

BA-BA-BAAAA-BA-BA! BAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Explosion! Fireworks! Planes zooming by! Machine guns being shot in the air! Ululations! Kangaroos doing backflips! Other things denoting excitement!

CUT TO CREDITS